Problem is, manners and appropriate behavior have been under siege with latest high-profile episodes
The other day my wife, Marie, and I were walking toward a store, and I touched my cap to the two young women passing by. I have performed this homage ritual instinctively for the last 50 years, much in the same way as I hold open doors for women.
Marie got my attention when she said: “Do you think those women even know what you are doing?” Probably not. “Still…,” I said, never finishing the sentence but meaning that I am still going to do it.
I always walk toward the curb with Marie on my arm so I can take the splash of an oncoming car (or horse and buggy). I stand when a woman enters the room, hold the seat for my wife, offer to carry packages for women and always precede my requests with “please” and offer a “thank you” for any courtesy extended. I still send thank-you cards for gifts or niceties done for me.
I have never blurted out “you lie” during a talk by a person with whom I disagree, never grabbed a microphone from someone making an acceptance speech at an awards program, nor have I chastised a contest official with f-bombs and threatened to kill him.
All right — I admit it: I am old-fashioned when it comes to manners and appropriate behavior. That’s why I was so shocked by the antics of U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., rap singer Kanye West and tennis superstar Serena Williams. In the span of less than a week back in mid-September, these three high-profile cases reminded us that civility is under siege.
In the event you just came back from outer space, let’s review the context of the boorish behavior:
• Wilson’s blurt came as President Barack Obama addressed a joint session of Congress on the controversial health care issue.
• At the annual Video Music Awards presentations at Radio City Music Hall in New York City, West snatched the microphone from up-and-coming star Taylor Swift, who won the best female video award, and ranted about how the award should have gone to Beyoncé.
• Williams’ blistering attack on a line judge who had called her for a foot fault in the key next-to-last point at the U.S. Open semifinal included not only the intemperate language but also a threat to kill the judge.
P.M. Forni, who directs The Civility Institute, says the incidents have returned the issue of civility to a lofty position on the national discussion agenda. His book, “The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude,” notes that society in the United States is among the most informal in the world. Too often, he says, this informality crosses into incivility. “Add the informality of the Internet,” he says, “and all bets are off. It’s an age of total disclosure and total expression, with very little concern for the feelings of others.
Letitia Baldrige, who served as first lady Jackie Kennedy’s social secretary, believes two things are happening. “One,” she told USA Today, “is a mad desire to be the center of news, and the other is a sense among these people that because they are successful, they can get away with anything.”
Baldrige says at some point as a society we will hit a wall and turn back. “Something will happen to make us stop and examine our behavior,” she predicts.
What is less easily explained are those who, if not implicitly, then at least tacitly condone this bad behavior. Rep. Wilson’s quasi-celebrity status since the speech has played well among ultra-conservatives, who have poured an extra $300,000 into his re-election campaign.
Some sports commentators dismissed Williams’ behavior as, if not exactly warranted, then at least understandable since line judges don’t call foot faults at that level of competition and certainly not on a key point in the tennis match. They also point out that John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors were known for their animated disagreements with line officials. Was it the severity of Williams’ language that sets her apart, or was it, as some have charged, the fact that she is black and female?
Some of rapper West’s followers dismiss his actions as “Kanye being Kanye.” They shrugged off the incident, saying that contemporary musicians are expected to display edgy behavior.
Some believe Rep. Wilson could become a cult hero, much like the Iraqi journalist who flung two shoes at President George W. Bush at a press conference in Baghdad last December.
How do we counteract this behavior? According to Forni, it begins with a sincere apology. All three of the current offenders apologized, but none seemed to do as fully as the public demanded.
Wilson apologized to President Obama through the president’s chief of staff, Rahm Emmanuel, and Obama accepted his apology, but Wilson resisted apologizing to the House, as congressional leaders demanded. As a result, the House passed a resolution of disapproval by a 240-179 vote.
West apologized on an Internet blog, then followed it up with an appearance on the Jay Leno show as it debuted in prime time. “It was rude,” West said.
There is a silver lining to all of this, however. While she was on stage accepting her Video Music Award for video of the year, Beyoncé called Taylor Swift back on stage so she could do over her acceptance speech.
That was classy.
