The reality of losing a spouse is very present as we age. Knowing how to deal with it is crucial

I’ve tried writing this article a number of times but because it feels too much like facing both my own and my husband’s mortality, I could never follow through. Now I’m realizing that the “ostrich with his head in the sand” mentality does a disservice to a meaningful relationship.

Instead of the message being “I love you and don’t want to think about living without you so I’m not planning ahead,” what I’m really saying is “if you die and leave me you’re leaving behind a helpless person and, if I die first, I’m leaving you up a creek too.”

It’s much easier to keep paying the bills or doing all the cooking and cleaning yourself than it is to teach these skills to someone else. But not taking the time to teach each other, and, just as important, not accepting the opportunity to learn, is extremely short-sighted.

Death or illness usually strikes when we feel least capable of learning new skills and it only compounds the feelings of despair and hopelessness that the loss brings if we have to plunge immediately into survival mode without any training.

My objective in this article is to look at what we need to learn to live alone and to convince you and your partner that to not share that information is a dereliction of duty. I’m not going to discuss the emotional issues of losing a loved one because I don’t think you can ever prepare for that, but will only look at the practical issues of survival.

The income tax return is a good place to start. Find out where your money is, whether in savings, checking, brokerage accounts or under the mattress. What receipts should be kept for tax purposes and how long should they be kept after you’ve filed your return? Do you have an accountant? Get to know that person.
What is your credit card situation? How many do you have and when do they need to be paid? Discuss how much money should be kept as liquid assets should you need money quickly and how to get to it. How much is coming in through either or both of your Social Security or pensions and what happens to those when one of you dies first? Do you have IRAs, 401Ks and where is that information located?

Do you know how much you’re paying for homeowners and auto insurance and how and when those payments should be made? Those are really important bills that you don’t want to miss paying even when you feel you can’t function with a clear head because you’re dealing with your loss.

How much is your monthly mortgage payment and how does that get paid? How about utilities? How much money will you need to pay income and real estate taxes and where will that money come from? You should know all the different taxes you pay and what income sources and accounts they may be paid from if you have more than one account.

Where do you keep your important papers, such as wills, power of attorney, living wills? If they are in a safety deposit box, do you know where the key is and will you have access to it or access to a person who does?

This sounds overwhelming, but start with one question and work your way through it. I found it best to take notes and review them regularly to make sure they still are relevant and still make sense to me. Keep them in a safe, but handy place, so when you are at your most vulnerable, you can find them easily.

There are workbooks out there that might work for you, and I think one that has fill-in-the-blanks would be good. Go to a bookstore, look them over and find one you feel comfortable using. While your partner is explaining the finances, start filling in the pages in your own handwriting so what you’ve written makes sense to you.

And to the partner who is being asked to provide the information, please be patient. We are learning new skills and new ways of thinking and asking what may seem like dumb questions but are a normal part of everyone’s learning process. You don’t want to leave your partner vulnerable to be taken advantage of, so passing on this financial information is in both your best interests.

Now to the partner who hasn’t been the one to keep the household going. I understand the “don’t come in my kitchen and mess things up” feelings, but we have to overcome those and find a compromise. If you both realize that this is a learning process and not a “coup,” than you’ll find the time to fit in lessons and feel comfortable in the fact that if you get sick for a time, you won’t starve if your partner can make you food and keep the house clean.

I had my husband watch me and take notes on doing laundry, including separating the colors and what settings to use on the washer and dryer. Next I will teach him a few healthy meals to prepare, including how to clean and steam vegetables, and how to put together a salad with a healthy dressing. I’m next going to find an easy basic cookbook and teach him how to follow a recipe when he’s ready to branch out.

We will discuss a routine for taking care of the house and make notes on where cleaning products are kept and what should be used on what.

I will put all of this in a three-ring notebook and include a list with names of resource people — the heating and air conditioning company we use, names and numbers for the plumber, electrician, pizza and other take out or delivery foods, snowplower, lawn mower, and will keep adding to the list every time I need to use someone I forgot about, like the gutter cleaner. This list will also include who to call for prescription refills and numbers for physicians, if you are the one making those appointments.

There should be a list of children’s and grandchildren’s special days and of course, relative’s and friend’s phone numbers.

Good luck on your journey.