By Margaret McCormick

Imagine a roomy, comfortable home in a restored historic mansion in a leafy suburb of Syracuse.

You don’t pay the mortgage, taxes or utilities. And you don’t have to mow the grass, shovel snow or have the roof repaired.

You pay rent, but you don’t have to sign a lease. Healthy, home-cooked meals are provided, and you can even request your favorite dishes. You do your own laundry, or you can partner up and take turns with a friend.

You live on your own. But you’re never alone.

Welcome home to The House at 807, a housing alternative for the “well elderly’’ — seniors in overall good health — in the village of Liverpool. The house, with rooms for eight, is on a bus line, a few blocks from Onondaga Lake Park and Johnson Park in the village center.

It’s not a hotel, it’s not a retirement community and it’s not assisted living — though assistance is available in the form of house manager Debra Sacco, who lives on site, and chief cook and shopper Jackie Colasanti, who help residents with their needs, take them on errands and outings and keep the house running smoothly and efficiently.

“Everyone here is very independent,’’ says Colasanti. “The residents like to feel like they’re doing things themselves.’’ At lunch and dinnertime, Colasanti notes, a resident or residents will say: “I can set the table.’’

Norm Andrzejewski, chairman of the House at 807’s volunteer board, says the residence appeals to seniors in good health who desire the atmosphere of a house without the isolation that can come with living alone and without the responsibilities and headaches that accompany home ownership and maintenance. It’s a safe, secure residence with the benefit of companionship and the freedom to come and go. Family members and friends can visit as often as they like.

“The residents don’t have an apartment or house that they have to care for and they don’t have to worry about meals,’’ Andrzejewski says. “They’re with people roughly the same age, and with the same interests.

“From my vantage point,’’ Andrzejewski adds, “I think the companionship is the big advantage.’’

If your travels take you to Liverpool and beyond, you’ve probably driven by House at 807. The large, khaki-colored house with green shutters and orchid front doors is on landscaped grounds, set back from busy Route 57. The house was built in the mid-1800s for Willard Gleason (1823-1883) and his family. Gleason was a supervisor in the Liverpool Salt Yards, according to the Liverpool Historical Society.

In 1994, the house was purchased by the Liverpool Housing Authority, a nonprofit whose mission is to provide housing alternatives in the village for the “independent, well elderly.’’ Prospective residents do not have to live in the village of Liverpool.

House at 807 opened as a residence for seniors in 1997. Renovations and modifications to the house include an open, family-style kitchen for dining and gathering, smoke detectors and sprinkler system and an elevator to the second floor. During the warm weather months, it’s common to see residents relaxing in chairs on the front porch.

As is typical with homes of its age, bedrooms vary in size and closet and storage space is limited. Residents provide their own furnishings and other accents.

For some prospective residents, Sacco says, the thought of downsizing to one room — after a lifetime in a house or many years in an apartment — can be daunting. She says she advises some residents to give the place a trial of several months to see if they like it, placing furniture and other belongings in storage, just in case.

“Once people get here, they love it,’’ Sacco says.

House residents Audrey, in her 70s, and Vonda, 88, support Sacco’s words. The women, who asked that their last names not be used, are sisters-in-law who have known each other more than 50 years.

“I never thought I’d be in here with you,’’ Vonda said to Audrey with a smile on a recent morning.

Audrey lived in Fulton with her niece before moving to House at 807 more than two years ago. She visited three times and gave her transition to new digs careful consideration. She loves the location in the village, and her regular walks there and at Onondaga Lake Park.

“I fit right in,’’ Audrey says. “I love it here. I keep busy.’’

“She keeps us all busy,’’ says Vonda, who lived in an apartment at Harborside Manor in Liverpool before deciding to join her friend at House at 807.

Vonda’s room is on the first floor, a short distance from the laundry room and kitchen. “I’m satisfied here,’’ she says. “I was by myself. My family thinks this is the best move I’ve made.’’

House at 807 often has a waiting list for prospective tenants. In early January, one room was available, and a “for rent’’ sign stood outside in the snow.

With referrals from elder care service providers like Loretto and PACE CNY and positive word-of-mouth from residents like Audrey and Vonda, house manager Sacco guessed the room wouldn’t be empty for long.

“It’s just so homey here,’’ Sacco said. “Everyone looks out for each other.’’

Lillian Slutzker

The first example of a life well-lived is Lillian Slutzker. Many readers might know Lillian Slutzker and her late husband, Manny, from their many years as owners of “Manny’s,” a fixture on the Syracuse University campus for almost 50 years.

She worked all of her adult life in the store, taking over when Manny became ill. Ten years ago, she endowed the Syracuse University “Lillian and Emanuel Slutzker Center for International Services” and she recently received the Global Citizens Award from the International Center of Syracuse.

“I never thought the center would become such a big deal,” said Slutzker. “It just was important to me personally to do this for other people. I came to Syracuse as a refugee, having lost my whole family in the Holocaust. My mother and I had moved to Berlin from Hungary when I was 13 and at 21, I left Germany for England with a youth group; six months later the war broke out.

“I had to start my life over twice, once in England and then in America,” Slutzker said. “When I came to Syracuse, there was no one who reached out to me, and it was isolating and scary. In the hospital when I was having my son, the nurses couldn’t believe there was no one who came to visit me.”

She explained some of the reasons for starting the center at SU.

“I knew how important it was for other people new to our country to have a place to go to talk with others and, particularly, that it should be a nice place to congregate,” she said. “Ever since I was a little girl, it was my dream to go to university. Because of Hitler, even though I qualified, I couldn’t go. So another thing I do is speak to different groups and individuals about the Holocaust because so many people just don’t know about it.”

An all-around supporter of the university, she also funds scholarships for the men’s lacrosse program.

Not content to be “just” a benefactor, Slutzker taught conversational English at the center to international students to help ease their transition. She still goes there to meet with students and staff. A woman of action, her empathy for animals led to her being a founder of the Humane Society of Central New York.

She speaks three languages —Hungarian, German and English — and has a passion for travel that has taken her all over the world.

She is perhaps most proud of her son, Craig, a Yale graduate with a master’s degree from SU. Of his mother, Craig says, “She’s a gourmet cook and a connoisseur of cars. She loves fashion, gardens with an artists’ eye for flowers and landscaping, and is skilled at interior decorating. But with all her talents and accomplishments, she is still a very modest person.”

I met Slutzker at the gym and asked if she had always kept in shape?

“Yes, all my life. My mother was very keen that I exercise; when younger I was a long-distance runner and used to run in the woods. I still keep in shape and go to the gym twice a week,” she said.

Her secret indulgences are “French face creams and cooking, but because I do love to eat, I make it a healthy diet,” said Slutzker.

Lionel Logan

At the Dunbar Center, I caught up with Lionel Logan. Among his many civic activities, he works in the political arena for candidates in which he believes.

“I volunteer for Organizing for America in their phone bank. It is the organization that was at the heart of the Obama campaign,” explained Logan. “I also work with Citizen Action of  New York, an organization that conducts voter training.”

Logan said he feels strongly that everyone should be more politically involved.“The decision makers in power look at the people who vote, and if you don’t vote, you have no voice. It’s a question of ‘If you didn’t put me here, I don’t need to worry about you’, “ he said.

Another lifelong passion is education. “About 15 years ago, I started driving a legally blind teacher who taught [students with multiple handicaps] and had to visit three or four schools in one day,” he said. “I would go into the schools with her, and when I would see a student sitting in the office, I’d ask ‘What are you learning in the office, and why are you here?’ When children see that you are interested, they are mostly honest. When I would ask them if they would behave if I could get them back in class, the answer was always yes, so I would try.” If the teacher had two or more students at a school, Logan said he would volunteer to tutor and then he became a mentor.

“I discovered that city schools really don’t teach students about voting, even in civics or government classes. I called the [Syracuse City School District] Board of Education and told them I was with the NAACP and got permission to go into high schools yearly and register students to vote.”

“My daughter’s a teacher and when I went to her school one day, I ended up answering students’ questions for an hour. You never know what you may say that could change a child’s life. To this day, if I see children on a corner hanging out, I always ask why they’re not in school. If possible, I will try to get them back in, Logan said.”

Logan and his wife raised six children of their own and were foster parents to others. He worked for the federal government in military computerized communications, so he is a fan of computers and even has a Facebook page.

“I have grandkids and great grandkids, and they won’t let me not get into [Facebook]. But then again, I’m interested in just about everything. I’ve always been like that and I think that keeps me young.”

I asked what advice he had for other retirees? “Don’t be a couch potato. Find something that will get you up in the morning. People in nursing homes would love to have visitors,” he said. “You don’t have to worry about what to discuss with them; they just want to impart their knowledge to you and they often have no one else to talk to.”

What about diet and exercise?

“I’m reasonable about what I eat, even though I have no medical problems that would keep me on a strict diet. I do exercise, generally, some light weights along with aerobic exercise. But the most fun I have is golfing and bowling. I started bowling in my 20s and playing golf in my 50s. It’s the participation sports that I like.”

And his secret indulgence?

“I watch very little TV, mostly news and political shows, but I joined Netflix because it forces me to watch movies that I had always wanted to watch.”

Marie Felice

I have known Marie Felice for years, and she is so busy that it was almost impossible to tie her down for an interview.

As the wardrobe steward for IATSE (International Alliance of  Theatrical Stage Employees) Local 9, she does every professional show that comes into Syracuse.
“I call and arrange the wardrobe group of men and women needed for the shows. There are hairdressers, seamstresses, dressers, people who steam and iron, and people who work on shoes,” she explained.

“Many of the people who work for wardrobe have themselves been on stage, so they know how to treat the cast properly,” she said. “For instance, for Legally

Blonde they needed eight dressers, two hair people and one laundry person.”

Felice just finished a modern dance group and is now off to do a musical in the Famous Artists Series. In December, she did “The Nutcracker,” and in January, she did “Disney on Ice.”

I viewed the pages of spreadsheet notes that Felice uses to keep track of each show, and it was overwhelming.

“I [am] the treasurer of Festa Italiana, and I also hire the entertainment. I love working with all the people who work on the Festa and when it all comes together, it is just a great feeling,” she said.

She’s also a bookkeeper for two clients.“My passions are theater and my grandchildren,” she said. “I started in theater with Father Charles Borgognoni when I was 18, and I learned so much from him. He gave me the love for theater.”

Felice goes to sleep around 12:30 or 1 a.m. and gets up at 7:30 a.m. Other than that, she rarely stops moving.

“I have to work even when I watch TV,” she said. “I have to be busy. I cook for myself every day, and I make healthy food. My exercise is touching my toes when I get up in the morning and stretching to get the kinks out of my back [that were] caused by an accident years ago. I also run up and down the stairs all day long because my computer is downstairs.”

So what provides the most fun in her life?

“Cooking and baking, theater, my grandchildren and my kids,” she said.

A neat and well-organized person, Felice has every show bill from every production she’s ever worked on.

“My daughters are trying to make me throw out my check registers that I still have from when they were in college and my Mary Ann comes over every week to go through boxes and makes me throw things out,” she said.

Her secret indulgence?

Chocolate, of any kind!

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By Marilyn L. Pinsky

When I was maybe 50, my mother said, “Only your mother would tell you this, but you have a black hair on your chin and you should pluck it out.”

I was flabbergasted and ran right to the bathroom, where using a magnifying mirror and standing at just the right angle, sure enough, yuck, a black hair!

I realized my mother was right that no one else would tell you things like that, so I made a pact with a friend to be honest with each other when we saw things “needing attention.”

We discovered it’s not that easy to figure out if something you notice is something that maybe the other person is comfortable with and doesn’t want to change or think about.

Husbands aren’t really helpful in this area. Mine is a most uncritical and supportive person and even if I had five black hairs waving off my chin, he would still say I look OK…. as long as I got out of the house on time.

So, aside from your children, who usually tell you things you don’t want to know, another person to trust for “those things,” might be your hairdresser. I’ve always heard that, like bartenders, hairdressers know everyone’s secrets.

There must be something about letting your defenses down when someone you trust is running their fingers through your hair that seems to loosen the tongue. Who knows? Maybe there’s a “hair-tongue connection” in the head, like an acupuncture point, that when touched, causes you to tell all.

So I asked my “hair therapist,” Matt Michalenko of Industry, if he tells his clients when he notices grooming issues?

“For my male customers, I’ll ask them if they want me to cut their bushy eyebrows, and if they want me to take care of their ear and nose hair, but I’d never think of even raising the issue with my female clients.”

Right, Matt. Not if you want to live to cut another day.

For me, I need honest feedback because I find it hard to know exactly what I look like. When I look in the mirror, I’m never quite sure who that person is looking back. One of my daughters finally told me that my Reba McIntyre hair color wasn’t flattering any more.

So even though on other people red hair can look really great, and I do love Reba McIntyre, I listened to her. With Matt’s input and skill, I’m now a more subdued sort of blond color. I think.

Changing hair color is not a big deal anymore.

In the old days, coloring your hair was usually done in the back room of the beauty parlor (when did they become “salons?”) and you looked around to see who was catching you getting “a dye job.” But things really changed with my daughters’ generation who started coloring their hair as a fashion statement, not just to cover the gray. Now when I’m at “the salon,” I even see men sitting right out in the open having their hair colored. You go guys!

Moving down the body, when it is no longer comfortable to reach down to cut your own toenails, it used to be a problem unless you had an excuse to go to the podiatrist on a regular basis. Now with so many nail places around you have options. You can get both the essential toenail cutting (so you don’t stab the cat at night on your way to the bathroom) and you also have something pretty to look at when you put your feet up to watch TV.

Then there’s the hearing issue — It’s difficult to have your kids tell you that your hearing isn’t that good because to many of us, hearing aids say “old.”
But as those baby boomers who killed their eardrums listening to loud music are starting to need hearing aids at an earlier age, they will suddenly become a fashion accessory. In the meantime, why suffer and miss hearing any really good gossip?

As we get older, grooming has to be high on our to-do lists and we need to adjust to the fact that it’s just going to take longer to look good.

In addition to hair that grows where you don’t want hair and doesn’t grow where you do want hair, there are things that are hard to know about yourself.
For example, both men and women need someone to tell us if we have dandruff on our clothes because that’s one of those things you can do something about with all the good dandruff shampoos on the market.

I also think it’s tough to know how you smell, as there really is no good “self sniff test.” And as being well groomed always includes being clean and smelling good, regular baths or showers and clean smelling clothes are a must. So if we’re told we’re smelly, we should consider it a favor that someone was brave enough to raise the issue —we should thank them for it.

Here goes the “big unmentionable” that no one but your kids will ever, ever, ever tell you, though sometime I think as a public service I should tell people, only because there are solutions and because no one else will ever tell them. Then again, I do value my life. Let’s just call it “escaping gas” though my grandchildren call it the “F” word and they even have a book about it called All About F—s.”

My advice is not just to ignore it, but to discuss it with your doctor. Maybe you’re lactose intolerant or have irritable bowel syndrome. There are solutions like increasing fiber, taking probiotics or eating yogurts that do nice stuff for your intestinal tract.

Let’s end on a fashion note —  Even if you’re in the mall every week looking around, it’s easy to get into a rut by buying the same thing all the time.

Though I admire people who have their own style that looks just as good at 80 as it did at 20, not many people can pull that off.

Every few years it’s worth taking stock.

On a trip last year some friends did an intervention and made me buy a bunch of new accessories to upgrade my look. I came home with a new outfit, two sets of earrings and three necklaces. Keeping up is really important to “staying in the game.” Check today’s styles and figure out how they can be adapted to look good on you whatever your age.

Do as I say, not as I do. When worse comes to worse and I’m in a hurry to grab something at the grocery and don’t feel like listening to my own advice about grooming, I have a secret theory I’ll share with you: Don’t Look Anyone in the Face. My theory is that if I don’t see them, they don’t see me, so it doesn’t make any difference how I look.

If that works for you too, forget all the paragraphs above.

Often when someone calls and asks what I’m doing, my response is, “I’m on the computer.”

I’d love to be able to say that I’m researching how to make the world a better place, but looking at my recent searches, it’s hard to make that claim.

If I tell you that on a Monday, I read three articles on the “pros and cons of spray tans” and then two days later read five articles on “how to get rid of a bad spray tan,” you can figure I’m not working on world peace.

I don’t know how I ever lived without a computer so I thought I’d tell you some of the other things I do on the Internet that might inspire you to join me in cyberspace. Then you can also have an excuse for not cleaning your house.

Or at least not have an excuse for getting a bad spray tan.

While I’m on the vanity track, let’s talk shopping. I have narrow feet and it is impossible to find shoes locally. For a while it seemed like my only choice would be sneakers in 10 different colors, including gold for evening. But between sites like Zappos and others that provide free shipping, I’m back in shoes.
I’m also allergic to a lot of beauty products (no wise guy comments here.) So before shopping, I check out ingredients in products I’m considering buying and read reviews that others who’ve tried the product have written.

I guess I didn’t read every single review because the most highly rated sunscreen that I ran out to buy recently had me in a rash for two weeks. I’m now back to the brand I buy online from Canada that makes my face so shiny you can see me a block away.

Before you think I’m totally shallow (a little shallow is OK) in the last two weeks, these are other things I’ve done online:

• Books: On county library sites, there are thousands of books, movies and audiobooks to review at your leisure and reserve online.An e-mail is sent when the books are in and you have a few days to pick them up. A new feature I love is the e-mail reminder when books are due, and that also gives the option to renew online.
• Googling: In the old days it used to be called snooping or being nosy, but now it’s called “doing research.”
• Flights: When planning travel, you can compare prices of flights on sites like Expedia or Cheap Flights, and look over flight time schedules. You can also track flights to see if they are on time, so if you’re picking someone up at the airport, you don’t drive all the way there only to find out the plane is late.
• Hotels: When I stay at a new hotel I’m able to view pictures of the rooms before I get there as well as see the fitness facilities, research restaurants nearby and, of course, check if there any shopping malls in the area.
Then I Mapquest the driving or walking routes between the different places I have to be to decide if I can walk or need to take a cab.
On a different note, I now have a wonderful app on my iPhone that has subway schedules and routes that is just invaluable in getting around big cities.
• Menus: Most restaurants now post their menus. That’s a great help in deciding where to eat and also what to eat when you get there.

And now, in no particular order, this is what else I’ve done online this month:
• Sent and received pictures of grandchildren
• Checked if I should brush my teeth before or after eating grapefruit
• Researched which muscles control the stomach and neck to avoid a sore neck when doing sit-ups
• What are the best times of day to take certain vitamins?
• Looked for meatloaf recipes
• Checked out prices of houses I saw for sale while on my walk around the neighborhood
• Ordered books on Amazon
• Read reviews of available movies and ordered on Netflix and RedBox
• Found articles on how to clean burned pots and how to get the smell of burned food to dissipate quicker. (Don’t ask.)
• Learned how to clean computer keyboards, tops of cabinets and lights in high ceilings (I’m at least thinking of cleaning.)
• Researched room darkening shades and how to measure (for visiting grandchildren who get up with the sun)
• Checked out hotels on Priceline and Expedia
• Checked out rumors on Snopes that friends send as “facts” in e-mails
• Went to weather.com for 10-day forecast, so I knew what to pack for travel
• How to transfer cassettes to DVDs
• Ten ways to marinate vegetables
• How to make quick pickles
• Do you have to soak Nori sheets to make sushi? (No, just the ends to keep them together)
• Checked the spelling of a word. Many words, actually
• How to clean a gilded picture frame
• How to make a pear martini
• How to treat a rash from sunscreen
• Hour-by-hour weather in Washington DC
• How many calories are in artichokes and in boneless Chinese spareribs? (Should have stuck with the artichokes)

COMMERCIAL BREAK: I just took a break from writing to make my fifth carrot/date/yogurt smoothie of the week, a recipe that turned up when reading “The New York Times” online.

Does that make me sound any less shallow, except, of course to people who think the NYT doesn’t count as serious reading?
• Is there a Groupon.com in this area?  No, but it’s a great idea.
• And much too much time spent on trying to find out if you can replace a color cartridge in the printer with a black one
• Is there any way to wear pantyhose with sandals and not look dorky? No!!!! (Not even if you’re desperate and trying to cover up a bad spray tan)
• Checked for recipes I saw on Food Network while on the treadmill
• Checked for events to attend with grandchildren to who are spending the weekend
• Tips on how to do a PowerPoint presentation
• Articles on prices for travel insurance (Learn to read the fine print.)
• How many calories in take-out foods?
• Why am I usually/always racing to get out of the house on time? (One article said it’s my “inner brat.” At least it’s someone to blame it on.)
• Looked at websites to buy practical gifts for older people (oh, all right, maybe for myself) and found Seniorstore.com for ages 50 and up and OvertheHillGifts.com for ages 30-100; and they are even locally owned websites
• Lest I forget, I am regularly checking meetup.com/communitydiningsyracuse. Meet us for dinner sometimes.
• And I could go on, but I’m afraid you’ll wonder just how dirty the house has to get before I get off the computer and clean it.

But I’ve been wondering if that is true. To help answer this question, I turned to my “guru of all things emotional,” Linda Herman Land, a licensed clinical social worker. Together we’ll explore these aspects of “survival.”

MP: When I hurt my back a couple of years ago, I thought it was more pain than I could endure and though I got better, I didn’t forget what it was like to be miserable and depressed and wanting to do anything to make the pain stop. Good medical care, physical therapy and being diligent about doing the exercises helped me heal. Are there emotional skills, like the physical skills, that we can learn and use to survive the inevitable bad times that some of us will face? Are there ways to prepare for the worst without walking around with a cloud over our heads waiting for the worst to happen? Are there choices in the ways we handle adversity or are some things just so overwhelming that nothing can help?

LHL: One thing to think about is that what is an insoluble crisis for one person is a more manageable challenge for the next. That has to do, I think, with what inner resources the person has to call upon and whether they know how to bring themselves calm and comfort. That is what we call self-soothing—something we hope our children learn as we raise them. An example is my then 2 year-old granddaughter, who whimpered to herself when she fell on the sidewalk, “I okay, I okay.” Already by 2 she had learned self-soothing from her parents, who would comfort her by saying “you’re okay, you’re okay.”

I thought about inner resources during a session with a woman who had been recently widowed and whom I had seen in therapy years ago. She was in massive grief, but she was coping. She came back to therapy to express and validate her grief. She learned that her grief was normal—and even healthy, and that it would abate.

In therapy she rediscovered what she had learned about herself in an earlier crisis—that she had some reliable sources of comfort available to her. For her, those comforts centered on maintaining loving connections with friends. At this point, many people are still reaching out to her, but she knows that in time, as people go on with their busy lives, she will have to be the one to take the initiative and call others. She also remembered that she loved the out-of-doors and found ways to reconnect with nature so that also became a source of comfort.

MP: Years ago I was asked to recommend if an organization serving seniors should take a position for or against off-track betting. In doing the research, the most interesting thing I learned was that for a number of older people who gambled, it was used as a crutch, to take away the pain of loneliness.

LHL: Many of us turn in pain and loneliness to other kinds of relief — eating, drinking, maybe gambling, but while those behaviors do indeed offer comfort, they are often stop-gap comforts and at some point may start becoming problematic addictions.

Part of the job of dealing with loss is finding healthy outlets for managing the inevitable anxiety and depression. We need to build other coping strategies and explore new pathways for relief, for connections with others—and even for ways to have fun. The job of dealing with stress is really the job of finding non-harmful but gratifying ways to manage anxiety, grief, despair and maybe depression.

MP: Can one look at life like a fire drill, where we train ourselves to respond in certain ways? For instance, is there a mantra we could repeat when we are feeling despair?

LHL: Clients sometimes tell me that what they have learned in therapy is how to develop and use a survival mantra. Though it is easier to use a mantra, if like my granddaughter, you have been using them all your life, it is never too late to learn positive self-talk. “I can do this. I can do this.” “I can be OK, I can be OK.” “This is painful and unbearable but my grief will lift and I will find ways out of this despair.”

MP: That sounds good. Are there other ways to prepare for painful reality?

LHL: Some people find comfort in continuing activities that have lowered stress in the past. Exercise would be one, and maybe, if you don’t feel up to a whole exercise regime, just making a daily commitment to do some walking might help. If meditating has been useful, don’t let too much time go by before you pick that up again. And like mantras, even if these ways of self-care are new to you, learning them can help.

MP: I know people who lost loved ones who have found tremendous comfort in their faith. Is this another avenue to develop?

LHL: The crucial issue is to reconnect with what has been comforting to you throughout your life—and maybe learn a few new strategies. So if you have a connection to a church, synagogue or mosque, that’s a great place to turn—for the comfort of your faith, for the comfort of known ritual and for the comfort you can find in the support of others. Sometimes the simple act of getting there helps, and a real bonus is the knowledge that once there, you will feel safe.

MP: What about a support system?

LHL: We all need our support systems — our friends, relatives and colleagues. But know that there are limits to what your “supporters” feel comfortable to give. You may need their support for a long time, so be sensitive to any hints that they are burning out.

One final note—when life crises of any magnitude seem to be relentlessly overwhelming, it may be time to consider some medical options—talk therapy will help to put the loss into a manageable perspective, or perhaps medication can help to either lower anxiety or lift depression. These options should not be considered as a “last resort.” Knowing that crisis and loss makes us intensely vulnerable should be enough to keep us focused on the range of ways we can seek help for our pain.

MP: I saw a wonderful poster that said, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Linda, thank you for sharing your experience and advice. Hopefully these observations will help us face whatever difficult rainstorms lie ahead.

Do you remember when you last had a doctor — not a primary care physician or a PCP, but a doctor who knew you and your family and had time to talk to you? Remember when you called the doctor’s office and an actual secretary — who knew your name — answered the phone and was glad you called? Remember when you got to the doctor’s office, he sat across from you in a chair and seemed to have oodles of time to discuss your aches and pains?

Well kiddo, according to a book I just read, those days may be gone forever.

I personally am panicked that our family doctor, though younger than us, might retire while we are still around, because I know that in this day and age we will never have the same relationship with another doctor.

It is a new world out there in medical land — we can’t blame the doctors themselves; they, too, regret this situation. If you don’t learn the rules of the game, you are going to feel like you’re trying to get around in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and don’t have a map to get you where you need to go.
The good news? I know someone selling the map and she even speaks our language, not medical speak, but patient-speak.

Her name is Trisha Torrey and you might have seen her column in the Post Standard, “Every Patient’s Advocate,” or heard her Sunday morning radio show, “HealthLink on Air on WSYR.”

Torrey asks questions of people in the health care system that we don’t have the chance, or the nerve, to ask ourselves.

And now she has written an absolutely fantastic book titled “You Bet Your Life! The 10 Mistakes Every Patient Makes (How to Fix Them to Get the Health Care You Deserve.” In it Torrey explains what really drives the medical system and why it leaves us feeling like wanderers in a foreign land.

In the first few pages you will learn that the largest impact on your getting the care you need is the role that insurance companies play with medical providers (doctors, pharmacies, medical equipment providers, physical therapists, etc.,) Once you understand that, you can learn to become an educated consumer of medical services.

Torrey feels that, “with few exceptions, doctors must be business people before they are doctors.” We assume the doctor gets paid adequately for the time spent seeing us and making a diagnosis but that is truly the tip of the iceberg. The next time you’re in a medical office, look around.

Doctors need to pay for office space, medical assistants, nurses, clerical staff, billing staff, updating medical equipment, keeping the office clean, maintaining the medical equipment, purchasing and updating computer systems that contain our medical information and computer systems for insurance billing, buying and reading journals and attending conferences to keep their skills up to date with the latest information. The list goes on and on.

Regardless of the state of modern medicine, reimbursements to medical providers from insurance companies keep shrinking. Ten years ago doctors would see maybe 20 patients a day in the office and then another handful in the hospital. To earn the same amount of money today, they now need to see 30 to 40 patients a day! Given that there is still just a certain number of hours in a day, you can figure out for yourself how much time can be spent with each patient.

Once the points of view of the patient, the doctor and the insurance company are explained, we begin to understand the big picture. “You Bet Your Life!” then provides us with the tools to become an EmPowered Patient, an emPatient, by working within those constraints. An emPatient is one who works in concert with their doctor to assure that the diagnosis and treatment received are the correct ones.

Torrey shows us how to become an emPatient. By doing her self-analysis we can assess the type of patient we are and understand why that is important in choosing the doctors and treatments that are the best fit for us.

For instance, if you needed to find a new doctor, should you look for an MD, a DO, an ND or should you see a NP or a PA, instead of, or in addition to, having a PCP? (She explains the alphabet soup.) And how do you make those decision given your present health and insurance situation?

We (or someone who cares for us and has the time) need to become our own case manager. I know that when we are sick it is so much easier just to be told what to do than it is to have to make decisions and do some of the research on our own. But what I learned from Torrey’s book is that an extremely complex set of circumstances impacts the care we get and we have to become an emPatient to understand that reality in order to make good decisions for ourselves.

For example, Torrey feels that an emPatient must learn to communicate in a way that respects both the patient and the doctor. “Knowing that your time with the doctor will be limited, do your research in advance and make a very clear, concise list of questions ahead of time,” she advises. That doesn’t mean bringing in pages of articles from the Web that the doctor doesn’t have the time to read or gives the impression that your few hours of research is equal to her years of education and experience, but there is a middle ground.

How do you know when to listen to that little nagging voice in your head that tells you something is wrong even when a visit to the doctor doesn’t result in a diagnosis that feels like the right answer? In “You Bet Your Life…,” you become educated about your options and learn when to follow that “gut-feeling.”

Though there are definitely times you need to become a more assertive emPatient, Torrey tells us of the dangers in crossing that line into becoming an obnoxious patient or caregiver and finding yourself blacklisted in the medical community.

“Many doctors love that I am describing the intricacies of the system to patients,” says Torrey. “They are not insulted when patients ask for copies of their medical records to bring to specialists because it saves them time and insures that the records will be there when needed.”

In “You Bet Your Life! The 10 Mistakes Every Patient Makes,” you will become versed in why learning how to “follow the money” helps you to use the system better so you can become a better patient.

“You Bet Your Life! The 10 Mistakes Every Patient Makes” is available at Creekside Books in Skaneateles, local Barnes and Noble stores, Amazon.com and the book’s Web site: YouBetYourLifeBooks.com.

My mother told me not to plan on getting old if I didn’t know how to play bridge. She was never a card player but discovered upon moving into an adult residence that it was the bridge players who ruled the roost and got the best community room space. If you wanted to just hang around and visit with friends, you had to find another place to sit, because talking would disturb the game.

I have a geriatrician friend who also espouses the need to play bridge, but for different reasons. She said playing bridge, mah Jongg, or learning another challenging new game, will help keep our minds sharp into old age.

So we formed a group that eats pizza, discusses events of the day and is learning to play bridge. The socializing part is an essential preliminary to our bridge game, and from what I’ve learned, perhaps an equally important part of everyone’s game.

In our bridge group we’re lucky to have two knowledgeable bridge players who have backgrounds as trainers and guide us along with a fair amount of patience. But if you don’t have friends like that, there are other options.

I spoke with Gerry Radway, who runs a bridge game open to the community and also gives lessons. As testament to staying sharp, in her group is 100 year-old Lillian Spector, She began playing only 35 years ago and still finds it a continual learning experience. “The best part,” said Lillian, “is that it gets me out around congenial people with the same interests. The game is always challenging and competitive, but it’s a friendly competition.”

I asked Gerry how she got into the game. “I learned to play bridge in college and when first married, I had a group of friends I played with regularly. After a time they either all got divorced or left town so I didn’t play for years. About 1994 I began to play again when a friend asked me to join a ‘duplicate’ group, but I really got into it in a big way when my job situation changed.”

Gerry also noted the social aspect of bridge saying “it gets you out of the house and you meet a whole different group of people who are also there to learn something new.”

Many of the people taking bridge lessons from Gerry have become really good friends with each other.
People often learn to play bridge when they contemplate retirement and start to give thought to filling the recreational time that will become available to them.

A game takes around three hours to play, so it’s helpful to have that time to get a good game in. If you happen to be a single man, it’s a good way to meet women with similar interests, as the ratio in Gerry’s group seems to run about 20 percent men to 80 percent women.

I asked Gerry about those of us who don’t think of ourserlves as having ‘card sense.’ “Even people who don’t want to play competitively can get something out of it. It’s a fun, addictive game. People say when they’re paying attention to what’s going on at the table, it takes their mind off their problems, so it’s like having a mini-vacation.”

Need more reasons to start playing? Would you believe that playing bridge can help your immune system? A Berkely University study of 12 women in their 70s and 80s who played bridge for 90 minutes, showed an improvement in their T-cells, the cells used by the body to help fight infections.

And I checked with my geriatrician about the connection between bridge and staying sharp. It seems that the concentration needed to play exercises the brain and may also increase the number of connections or pathways between brain cells, which is important for brain function. But also interesting is that much of the research speaks to the social aspect as being very important too.

I asked Gerry how she goes about teaching neophytes. “I use set lessons and a book. Beginner lessons are once a week for six weeks and the setting is very low key. You won’t get called on, it’s very non-threatening and by your first lesson you’re already playing. Another six week class will give you what you need to really start playing,” she said.

Okay, I was sold and ready for more specifics from Gerry.

“There is ‘duplicate bridge’ and then there is ‘kitchen or rubber’ bridge. In duplicate everyone gets the same cards and you and your partner compete against other tables of people who are playing the same hands. Rubber bridge is played among four players, often in friendly play but sometimes for stakes and you all play the cards that you are dealt.”

Do you need to have your own partner or can you come alone? Some bridge clubs require that you bring your own partner and some will pair you up with someone else looking for a partner. That is a question you can ask when you call the place you want to play.

Though Gerry teaches in Syracuse, there are several teachers in Rochester. You can also learn on your own by going online to “acbl.org” and downloading courses.

Gerry said that once you learn to play, you can go anywhere in the country and find a game. You can also play bridge online from the comfort of your own home with people from around the world. If you have a friend in another part of the country, or the world, who also plays bridge, you can arrange to meet online and play together. One free site to use for playing online is “bridgebase.com” and there are many other sites, some requiring payment.

I’d like to leave you with a few “Gerry-isms” that you might hear when taking lessons with her:

• If you can count to 13, you can play bridge.
• You’ll improve your score by 10 percent, if you just pay attention.
• If you can’t read “2” as low, you’re in trouble.
• Even a blind squirrel gets an acorn sometimes.
• I just found my stash of valium!

Happy playing out there.

Marilyn Pinsky is the president of the New York state chapter of AARP. She lives in Jamesville, near Syracuse. Opinions expressed in her column may not reflect AARP’s opinions.