Free to be older, happier, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender. And healthier

The words in this article’s subhead might not seem important at a time when gay marriage discussions are found on the front pages, but if you’re over 50 and gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (GLBT for short), the “free to be” circumstances those words convey don’t always occur together.

Hopefully younger generations of GLBT will not face a society that makes them feel the need to hide their true selves behind a “straight” front, but for people over 50, this has not been, and is not always, so.
Many in my generation have grown up “being” in the closet. They may have been married for years, raised children with a spouse, and been actively involved in their religious and civic communities. You can imagine how difficult it is then to come out to your relatives and friends and say, “Though I am still your brother, sister, husband, wife, mother, father or friend, inside myself I am not who you, or I, may have thought I was all these years.”

I spoke with four people I’ve met through Sage Upstate, a local organization, who came out later in their lives.

Their names are pseudonyms, but their stories are real.

I asked why they waited so long to be themselves, why they even married a member of the opposite sex.
When you hear their stories — and remember what it was like to grow up in the ‘50s and ‘60s — you’ll realize that they didn’t have a lot of options.

Dating the opposite sex and getting married was expected and not many had the knowledge to depart from that path even if they felt something just wasn’t right.

Their Stories—For some, their childhoods were pretty typical and didn’t give them any clues as to their sexuality.

“I was a happy kid but I realized early on I didn’t have an attraction to females. My friends were from the neighborhood and we all knew each other from childhood, which made it easier to be myself,” said Frank.
“After I came out I’m wasn’t treated any differently by my friends, but,” he said, “preparing to tell my family was the most difficult [thing]; I worried how they’d react. I’d built up in my mind that it was going to be awful and didn’t know what I would do if they disowned me.”

Betsey grew up in a rural area, didn’t date often, and though she sometimes wondered why that was, overall she didn’t think much about it.

“I went to college in the ‘60s and being gay or lesbian wasn’t talked about. I don’t think I even knew what it meant to be a lesbian. I graduated, became a teacher and was with another woman for 29 years. We thought that our relationship was an anomaly. None of our friends were gay and we had no life that was lesbian-oriented. When she died, I was left alone and had to deal both with the grief of her death and facing the question of what I was going to do with the rest of my life.”

“After I retired” she continued, “I realized I was drinking way too much out of sheer loneliness and felt that I needed therapy to help me through this time. I asked a friend for names of therapists and found a wonderful person. After four months of seeing her, she asked me if I thought I might be a lesbian? It gave me such joy to realize this — yes! that is who I am. Suddenly everything in my life made sense.”

“It was the therapist who suggested my joining Sage and, boy, was I scared,” said Betsey. “But how would I ever make friends if I didn’t take a chance? Now I find it easier as I get older to push myself to expand my limits and just walk into new groups. By forcing myself to venture out, I have made a new life for myself.”

Though Betsey says she has both straight and gay friends, “sometimes I don’t know what to say to my straight friends and because I’ve bonded with new friends from Sage, I feel a little more comfortable being with them. I think friendships have a life of their own anyway; they begin, they mature, some wither and die away and others develop some around new interests, whether arts, sports, knitting, advocacy, etc.”
Charlie, another man, also felt confused about his sexuality.

“By the age of 14 I knew I was not like the other guys, but didn’t know why,” said Charlie. “I had gotten into some trouble and the judge said either go into the military or go to jail, so having worked on dairy farms for years and being pretty strong, I joined the U.S. Marine Corps. All through those years I knew something was different about me, but couldn’t pinpoint it and never had any experiences with other men that would give me a clue. When I got out of the service I moved around a bit, first to Geneva, New York and then to Florida. For better or worse I never looked gay but I started going to bars and I suffered all that time because I knew something was wrong. I was married for five years because it was the thing to do, but I knew that wasn’t for me. When I finally figured out I was attracted to men and came out, my life began to make sense. I was in a wonderful partner relationship for 12 ½ years when I lived in Colorado until he died. I’ve been single since 1993.”

Charlie moved back to Central New York when his mother got sick. By that time even though he was out, he couldn’t quite decide how to tell his family. “I had a friend who ‘outed’ me to a former girlfriend who was mad at me and was going to tell my mother, so I had to race over to do it first. My family was okay about it except for my brother who said ‘I can’t handle your being gay around my friends’. I’m involved in a number of civic groups and though I’m not out to everybody, if someone asks if I’m gay, I tell them.”

Daniel was a quiet child and teen and had no interest in sex. “I had the idea in the back of my head that said I had to be straight, but something inside me said, ‘I don’t think so.’ I went through school and college and was married for 11 years. The relationship eventually came to a point where my wife said ‘do you not love me or are you gay?’ That was the first time I ever had to ask myself the question. We divorced and I had a relationship with a man for about a year and a half. Since then I’ve been single and not involved with anyone. When Sage came along, I got involved and the sociability the group provides has been really helpful.”

Sage’s Role—How do you cope when you don’t want to keep hiding your true self but still not hurt those you love? How do you tell people so that you can be a happy, healthy person who just happens to be GLBT? Where do you go to find people who are living the life you should be living, who know what you are going through and who can offer advice on how they did it? Where do you go for that support?

The answer is Sage Upstate.

At Sage everyone knows it is difficult for a new person to come through the door without knowing anyone and often at the end of a meeting, people express what a high amount of anxiety they felt in just coming into the building and how relieved they are after they’ve made the effort.

SAGE Upstate addresses the needs of a diverse population and is also a resource for people who serve the needs of the GLBT population as it ages in a seven-county area. Sage provides resources to help service providers better meet the needs of their GLBT clients.

Sage offers a variety of educational and social programs. One great program is the Buddy Network. Because older GLBT people might not have a family support network when they get ill, Sage provides volunteer visitors, helpers for short term needs, phone check-ins and buddy updates.

The groups include Second Sunday Potlucks, Coming Out Later in Life, 60+ Circle of Friends and offer exercise classes, cooking classes, karaoke, knitting, computer training, women’s pitch and coffehouse group, HERS Group, men’s empowerment group, trans support group, Uzuri — for LGBT people of color, theater, biking, tennis….you get the idea.

Sage Upstate can be found on the Internet at: www.sageupstate.org and by phone at (315) 478-1923.