7 Incidents That Make a Difference
By Marvin Druger | mdruger@syr.edu
Life is full of trivial remarks and incidents that may have had a profound influence on us. Sometimes, words of praise stay with us; sometimes insulting words make a lasting impression.
In this article, I’ll describe a few of the significant remarks and incidents that stay in my mind.
There is no logical order to such memories and you never know when a particular incident or remark will come to mind. I hope to stimulate your thinking about such remarks and incidents that have occurred in your life.
1 — Pondering the Definition of Fitness
After earning my Ph.D. in zoology (genetics) at Columbia University, I did a one-year postdoctoral fellowship at the Commonwealth Scientific Industrial Research Organization at Sydney University in Australia. My mentor was Jimmy R.
In Australia and other countries, scientists spend much of their day in the tea room. I was a hustling postdoc, spending most of my time in the lab and I discovered something interesting. I wanted to talk to Jimmy about it. “Where’s Jimmy?“ I asked.
I was told, “Oh. He’s in the tea room,” (I should have known that). I rushed to the tea room, only to see Jimmy lying flat on his back on a black, leather couch, with his arms folded across his chest and his eyes closed. I said with alarm, “Jimmy are you OK?” He barely moved his lips and he replied, “I’m pondering the definition of fitness.”
This remark made a profound, memorable impression on me. I suddenly realized the importance of stopping to ponder what we are doing in life. What is this all about? Where do I go from here? What’s really important to me and what’s not important? From that moment on, I recognized the value of “pondering” about my life and I passed that message to my students.
2 — Meeting My Wife
I always seemed to take on leadership roles in my life. One of them at Brooklyn College was being president, social secretary and treasurer of Lyons House, a house plan. House plans were like fraternities, but you lived at home.
As social secretary, I arranged three parties for my house plan on Easter weekend. Two parties were with college sororities and one was with a high school sorority. I told my friends that I wouldn’t attend the high school sorority party because, “Those girls were too young for me.” They responded, “If you don’t go to that party, we won’t go either.” So, I went to the high school party.
I met this pretty girl named Pat and we chatted for awhile. At the end of the party, I asked, “Can I walk you home?” While we were walking down 14th Street toward the apartment where she lived with her parents, I asked her how old she was. “I’m 15,” she replied. I was so shocked that we walked around the block again. She was much too young for me, I thought. We took the elevator to the fifth floor of her apartment building and I walked her to her apartment at the end of the hallway. “Goodnight, Pat,” I said and I walked back to the elevator. The elevator was on a different floor. For some reason, she fumbled with her keys. In those few seconds, I thought, “Maybe I should ask her for a date.” I went back to her door and asked, “Do you want to go to a movie with me next Friday?” She replied unenthusiastically, “OK.” We went to see a movie at the Fox Theater in Brooklyn that Friday. She put her arm around me in the movie house. Wow! I liked her more and subsequently, we had almost 60 years together loving, working, laughing and traveling.
I often think, suppose the elevator had been on the fifth floor and suppose she didn’t fumble with her keys. I didn’t even know her last name or phone number. Chance favored me and I lived happily ever after with her as my bride, until she passed away in 2014 from metastatic lung cancer. Our marriage led to three wonderful children and seven lovely grandchildren and priceless memories.
3 — A New Companion
I was in Wegmans at the checkout counter behind an attractive woman. She was buying all sorts of stuff that I never eat. I had a bag of lettuce. I chatted with her and I said, “I only have a bag of lettuce. My wife passed away last year and I’m alone.” For some unknown reason, she gave me her audiologist business card and said, “I’m alone too.”
At the time, I was in a shark frenzy about my lost wife and I was dating seven women simultaneously. I didn’t want No. 8. Weeks passed and I thought, “She was kind of nice. I think I’ll invite her to lunch.”
And I did. We decided to meet at Phoebe’s restaurant on Genesee Street. I liked her even more.
A few weeks later, I invited her to lunch at Phoebe’s again. I discovered that she lived only three minutes from my house, so I told her I’d pick her up in my car.
Again, lunch was a very pleasant experience. After lunch, I got into my car and announced, “Nice seeing you again” and I drove out of the parking lot, leaving her standing there thinking, “What the hell is he doing?” I had forgotten that I had picked her up and we had driven together in my car to the restaurant. I finally stopped my car when I reached the street and turned back to get her.
These incidents led to about 10 years of companionship, deep affection and travel to different parts of the world. How lucky I was to have had two chances at love and companionship.
4 — I Love You!
These three words are powerful and they are not used enough. I’m sure that my parents loved me, but they never said so. Neither did I ever tell them that I loved them. How often have you told your spouse or family member that you loved them? We all crave love and attention. Why not express this emotion openly and frequently. Then everyone feels good.
5 — Mr. Goodman Story — Praise
I still recall Mr. Goodman who was my 10th grade geometry teacher. He always dressed elegantly with a gray suit and a tie and he had a deep, booming voice. “Was anyone able to do that difficult geometry problem?” I waved my hand frantically. “Marvin, put the answer on the board.” I rushed to the blackboard and scribbled the solution to the problem. He looked at me and in his deep voice, he said, “Good job!” I still remember these words ringing in my head.
I adopted this incident in my teaching career. Whenever a student did something praiseworthy, I would say, “Good job!”
All of us love praise. Why not use this phrase more often when deserved?
6 — Farewell to Chief Carroway
I attended basic training in the U.S. Coast Guard Reserve many years ago. The chief in charge of my unit appointed me as company yeoman and company commander. Chief Carroway was very nice to me and I had many perks. When training was over and I was boarding a bus to leave the base, Chief Carroway yelled to me, “And don’t forget Chief Carroway.” I replied in a sarcastic manner, “Who’s Chief Carroway?”
I have always regretted saying those words and not expressing appreciation for how well he treated me. This was a trivial incident. Yet, my thoughtless remark comes to mind often and influences my behavior.
7 — Death faces All of Us
Unfortunately, 10 out of 10 people die, so the risk is very high. It’s not a matter of “Will I die?” It’s a matter of when and how.
My dear wife, Pat, developed lung cancer and spent 10 days in hospice. I have mentioned these incidents in previous articles in 55 Plus magazine, but they are worth mentioning again.
The chief administrator at hospice told me “She isn’t going to get better.” This was my first realization that my dear wife was going to die.
Secondly, when Pat was near her last breath, she said to me, “Marvin, please help me!” I hugged her, but felt completely helpless and even ashamed. Why couldn’t I help her when she needed me the most?
The third memory was her final words to me before she died, “Marvin, shut up!” That was the end of a long, happy relationship but the memories from our life together stay strong.
I could mention countless more incidents, but enough is enough.
We are the product of our genes and environments and no two individuals are exactly the same (not even identical twins that have the same genes). So, each individual is special and has special talents. Some individuals are fortunate enough to be able to realize their special traits and nurture them. Others are unaware of their special talents and go through life without expressing these talents. I was fortunate to find where I fit in life and my life was nurtured by my wife, my family and my friends.
My advice is to ponder about your life and try to identify your special talents. Try many different approaches and hopefully you will find where you fit. Then, enjoy your brief time on earth and your legacy will be with people who have known you.
The sample of memorable incidents and remarks discussed above teach us what life is all about. What we say creates part of us. I have learned that words should come from your brain as well as your mouth. Once words leave your lips you can’t get them back again. I wrote the following poem to express this idea. We are often sorry about things that we said. This poem is a fitting ending to an article about memorable incidents and words:
Words
Words are sort of fun to use,
They also can be strange,
Rambunctious, rambling, elevate,
Ambitious, stress, arrange.
Words are an important way
To tell the way we feel,
They help us tell to others
What’s fantasy or real.
Words can act as weapons,
They can hurt and sting,
They can make you laugh or cry,
They say most anything.
So think before you speak,
Let words come from your brain,
For once they’ve left your mouth,
You can’t take them back again.