Are People Calling You a C-Word…Behind Your Back?

By Tim Bennett

 

There are some words that people use to describe an older person, which are unflattering and usually not said directly to the person but about that person to someone else.

Surprisingly, many of these words start with a C.

Words like crotchety, cantankerous, cranky, crusty and curmudgeon quickly come to mind.

Crotchety is defined as “often in a bad mood and easily irritated;” cantankerous as “bad-tempered, argumentative and uncooperative;” cranky as “fretful fussiness;” and crusty as “complaining and easily annoyed (especially older people).”

In the excellent movie, “A River Runs Through It,” Paul Maclean’s boss at the newspaper is called a “curmudgeon” by his brother’s romantic interest.

The Collins Dictionary defines this as “a surly, ill-mannered, bad-tempered person.” Another dictionary adds, “usually a man.”

Examples of curmudgeons abound in films: Clint Eastwood as Walt in “Gran Torino;” Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol;” and more recently, Otto, in “A Man Called Otto.” All of these characters had one positive thing in common — they all had a change of heart.

Most of us do not want to be called such derogatory c-labels in our golden years.

Yet, as one grows older it can be a challenge to stop the hardening of the attitudes and getting a little crusty around the edges.

On a personal level, I’ve noticed that the natural decline of my physical abilities can be a constant irritant that can slip into my psyche like a sliver into my palm. If I let it take up residence in my mind, my disposition worsens. For example, I used to enjoy walking along the Erie Canal, but over the years my feet have started to ache terribly afterward, which takes away the pleasure.

On a whim, I picked up a used bike at a thrift shop and started biking the trails instead of walking them. And I loved it. Biking did not require the full weight of my body on my feet so there was no pain in my feet after my rides and I could explore many more miles of the canal. After two years of using the $25 purchase I decided to invest in a Trek bike with disc brakes. I was amazed at the difference. I could now go 20 miles instead of only 10. It helped, too, of course, that I got a bike that was the right size for my height so I could stretch out my legs.

Another physical handicap I discovered was — I could no longer run very fast. In playing tag with my grandkids, I got annoyed with them running circles around me and not being able to catch any of them — even the 6-year-old. It doesn’t help that I am a competitive game player and don’t believe in letting the kids win at anything if they don’t earn it. Now I was losing every time we played. In ping pong and chess there is no contest but tag was a different story.

One day, however, my 12-year-old grandson, Cameron, sensed my frustration and came up with a creative solution. “Hey, Popi, why don’t you throw a tennis ball at us to tag us!”

And thus, “ball tag” was born. If Cam had known I had played a lot of baseball as a kid, he may not have made this suggestion. I still remember the day he was nonchalantly taunting me from the backyard when I calmly threw the ball and nailed him from the front of the house.

Step one to not being called a C-word: Be willing to adapt to new physical challenges with creative solutions.

Another thing that gets me cranky and crotchety is when people don’t live up to my expectations.

I did not realize I had a habit of complaining about old college friends who made little effort to get together until I reread my journal and saw I had written the same thing five years ago.

A question immediately came to mind: Why do you keep expecting something from people who are clearly not that interested in you? Then a statement: You can prevent being disappointed by these people by no longer expecting anything from them. In other words, stop contacting them. If they really are your friends they will eventually contact you. If they don’t, maybe the season for that friendship has passed. In other words, by coming out of denial about the truth of those relationships, I was empowered. It meant that I didn’t need to grovel for people’s time and attention anymore. In fact, I was demeaning myself by doing it. I am a caring, loyal and witty person. There are people out there with whom I can have healthy and positive friendships. So, as they say in French, Au revoir les amis!

Amazingly, since I stopped contacting these old friends, some retired men from my church began reaching out to me. Now I take those long bike rides with my new friends and it’s a hundred times more enjoyable than riding alone or bemoaning the fact some people never visit.

Step two to avoid going to Curmudgeonville: Be open to new friendships.

A third thing I do to avoid getting crusty, cranky or cantankerous is to be thankful for the little things and express my gratitude to the people who have helped me in some way.

My wife, Veronique, is a great example in this area.

She makes a point to thank me every time I make the bed, empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn or do anything that merits a pat on the back. In return I try to let her know when she makes a great meal, does the laundry or just goes out of her way to take care of the grandkids.

Sometimes when too many things are irritating me like polarizing politics, hearing the same commercials over and over again on the radio or someone driving too close behind me, I make a conscious effort to go through my grateful list. My wife is, of course, on top of the list.

Early in our marriage I realized she was better at managing our money so I let her do it. I was too much of a dreamer to pay our bills on time. She now has been paying off the credit card, before it’s due, for more than 30 years and she constantly racks up points on the credit card to pay for flights, hotels and restaurants. She also knows how to cook a great meal, give an encouraging word to our family and be available to those in our community who need practical help.

I’m also thankful that all my children and grandchildren live within a one- or two-hour drive and I get to see them growing up. Some of those spontaneous comments from the grandkids can keep me laughing for days.

I remember one day asking my grandson, Xavier, who was maybe 7 at the time, to help me get a little nut I had dropped in the riding mower engine. My hands were too big to get it and I thought smaller hands could do the trick. So, after a barbecue with his family at our house, I asked him, “Hey, Buddy, can you help me out on an important mission? You know, kind of like what the Avengers do?”

Of course, I knew he couldn’t say no. What little boy doesn’t want to be a super hero?  With all eyes on him, he meekly said, “OK,” and followed me to the garage where I kept the mower. I pushed the machine out into the light and pointed to where I had dropped the nut in the engine. Xavier bent over to scrutinize the area. His brow furrowed. He pondered the problem for a moment and then stood erect and shook his head, “I’d like to Popi, but I left my costume at home.”

Other things on my thankful list include: a house and car paid off, time to write, to travel, play chess and volunteer for causes I believe in.

Just the other day, I was grateful for the plump little chipmunk who lives near our bird feeder and helps himself to the seeds the birds kick off on the ground. He seems a perfect picture of contentment as he sits perched on a little wooden post basking in the sun surveying the abundance of food before him. He’s probably thinking: “Life can’t get better than this. I live next to a grocery store where everything is free.”

Step three to avoid being called cantankerous: cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

If you take these three steps I think people will be less inclined to call you a C-word behind your back. However, if you happen to hear a snide remark coming from the shadows, at least you will be a happier person. And on top of that, you won’t give a hoot.