Living Alone

By Marvin Druger  |  mdruger@syr.edu

 

Unfortunately, spouses do not usually die at the same time. When a spouse dies, the survivor must carry on — alone. This can be very difficult.

When my dear wife Pat passed away on Jan. 19, 2014, from metastatic lung cancer, I was devastated. I was certain that I would die first, but it didn’t happen that way.

Pat spent several days at Francis House, a home for people with terminal illnesses in Syracuse. I had taken care of her at home for three years and hospice was a new experience. Francis House was a wonderful place. The staff was caring, efficient and attentive to patients and there were hundreds of volunteers who tended to the needs of the patients and their families.

Every time that I visited, I was greeted by, “Marv, how about some breakfast?” I ate more bacon and eggs in the 11 days that Pat was there than I ever ate in my life.

The facilities at Francis House were remarkable. Pat was in a room with carpeting, a bathroom, furniture and even a bird feeder outside the window. It was a very swanky way to die.

When I first encountered the head administrator, she looked me in the eye and said, “You know that she’s not going to get better?”

That was my first realization that Pat was actually going to die. Until then, I thought, “She will be here a few days to recover and then she will go home.” The realization was a shock.

As Pat’s health was declining, she said to me, “Marvin, please help me.” There was nothing I could do, but those words are forever engraved in my mind. I grabbed her shoulders and hugged her in the hope that I could revive her. It didn’t work.

Finally, Pat’s last words to me were, “Marvin, shut up!”

Pat was gone, after 57 years of marriage. I never felt such sadness or loneliness.

Pat and I had discussed the situation beforehand. We agreed that, if one of us died, the survivor would go on to live as full and happy a life as possible. This was easy to say, but difficult to achieve.

My granddaughter enrolled me in an online dating service. I ended up dating seven women at the same time. Each woman was very nice, but lonely.

Here, I must make the distinction between loneliness and solitude. At times, we all seek solitude. “Leave me alone. Don’t bother me.” I recall Greta Garbo’s famous movie words, “I want to be alone.”

I often enjoy solitude, but I don’t enjoy loneliness. After almost 60 years of living with Pat, I still experience bouts of loneliness. In fact, I cry about her death every night.

My involvement with seven women was a reflection of my loneliness. I didn’t want to be alone and my involvement with these women was like a shark frenzy.

My granddaughter tried to console me. “Grandpa, you have your family.”

But my loving and caring family is not the same as a lifelong companion, friend and lover.

I started going to a counselor. The counselor’s father had died recently and I ended up counseling her. She did suggest that I join a support group of people who had lost their spouse. I liked the suggestion. The group consisted of people who had lost a spouse and we all had common feelings of grief. At first, each person retold the story of their loss and there were many tears. Then I decided to start dating. I brought relevant articles and started telling jokes to the meetings.

The counselor took me aside and said, “They are here to grieve, not to hear jokes about dating.” My feelings were hurt and I decided to quit the support group. One member came over to me and said, “You’d better be here next week.” So, I stayed with the group.

The nature of the group changed. We all have that lonely feeling but we don’t talk about it anymore. In fact, the support group has been meeting every week for lunch at The Retreat, a restaurant in Liverpool, followed by immersion in coffee, conversation and doughnuts at Dunkin’ Donuts afterward. These weekly meetings have been happening for more than eight years. Loneliness is internalized and friendship is shared.

But loneliness doesn’t only effect people who have lost a spouse. Divorces are common nowadays and there are many other reasons why people are obliged to live alone.  Sometimes, having a pet dog or cat can help cope with loneliness.

The Council on Aging in Syracuse provided me with a robotic cat. It says “Meow;” it purrs, it turns over; it moves its head and opens and closes its eyes; it is furry and huggable. It is a friendly pet that I named “Fluffy.” I actually get the feeling that Fluffy is alive and it provides me with much-needed vicarious companionship.

Sometimes, a person who lives alone simply wants independence. That person just doesn’t want to cope with the difficulties, problems and constraints of living with someone else. Having many friends and activities may help such a person cope with loneliness.

The problem is that we lose motivation as we grow older. We no longer really want to spend time in the garden or take that long, daily walk. It becomes too easy to watch football games on TV and become a couch potato. “I’ll do exercise tomorrow,” or “I’ll call my friend, Joe, tomorrow” become common thoughts. Procrastination increases and loneliness prevails.

We have to fight against loneliness.

It’s not easy, but it’s important. Also, as we grow older, we tend to lose friends and colleagues and we become more isolated. We have to keep in mind advice that a colleague gave to me, i.e., Keep busy with meaningful projects (such as writing articles for 55 Plus magazine), and do it now!