Get Over It: Your Grandchildren Favor Their Grandmas
Grandchildren tend to play favorites and the real star of the show is Grandma. I’ve accepted that
By Bob Brody
The other day, our 7-year-old granddaughter Lucia came sprinting straight toward me. I crouched low, almost kneeling, my arms outstretched. I was primed for a hug.
But no. My optimism was misguided. Instead, Lucia blew right past me, leaving me empty— handed. “Grandma!” she called out. I turned around to see behind me. Our darling princess was clutching my wife Elvira around her legs.
I’d gotten flagrantly one-upped. Can you say “Ouch?” The scene qualified as a sight gag right out of some slapstick comedy, with lucky me as the patsy. It stung.
We grandfathers typically play the role of mentor and educator.
So OK, I get it. For grandchildren, the grandma is typically the be-all and end-all. Even on an off day, she’s all-seeing, all-knowing and all-powerful. It is she and none other whose kisses make booboos magically stop hurting, she whose French toast tastes sweetest, she in whose lap a grandchild can drift into the most tranquil of slumbers.
Research amply demonstrates the gender differences at play here.
Grandma is more likely than grandpa to be intimately involved in caring for a grandchild. She invests more time and energy, lavishing attention and affection. She helps with homework, gathers the family for meals and other special occasions, hands down family history and maintains cultural rituals and traditions. Of all this, my wife is guilty as charged. No wonder grandchildren generally feel closer to grandmothers, particularly maternal grandmothers, than to grandfathers.
Different Roles
On the other hand, and as research also shows, grandpa brings some skills to the table, too. We grandfathers typically play the role of mentor and educator. We emphasize the value of work ethic and responsibility. We’re therefore more inclined than Grandma to guide grandchildren in developing interests and skills. Plus — bonus points here! — Grandpa usually introduces and maintains a sense of fun and play. We tend by nature to frolic freely with our bambini.
Still, no wonder grandchildren play gender favorites and that Grandma remains the go-to grandparent.
Clearly the joke is on me for believing my status could be otherwise. I have to face facts here. Lucia never asks me to sleep over at her house, only Grandma. She never opts to cuddle with me on the sofa under a blanket, only grandma. She never asks me to read to her or buy her a new Barbie, only Grandma. Grandma gets all the credit for everything — even though, as I recall, I, too, contributed to the reproductive cycle here.
In her defense, Lucia is simply expressing an overwhelming consumer preference. That’s her right as a citizen. In our family hierarchy, a glance at our org chart will show my wife is CEO.
The longer I experience life as a grandpa, therefore, the more I feel like an afterthought, an understudy, a pinch-hitter, an also-ran, a wannabe. It’s rather like being vice president of the United States. I never actually make policy, only parrot it and carry it out, if that.
By any measure — and believe me, I’ve conducted a rigorous competitive analysis and run the numbers — I’m routinely overlooked, misunderstood and underappreciated. Just call me what’s-his-name. Or, if you prefer, the other grandparent.
All too often, as I now know all too dauntingly well, grandmas always get top billing. We grandpas are seldom more than sidekicks and second-class citizens. Society as a whole has long held the view that Grandpa belongs squarely on the sidelines, forever eclipsed. Families have come to expect little of him, certainly less than we do of Grandma. We grandpas just tag along for the ride, trying to get with the program. We’re consigned to shadowing grandma, ever the passive party, only to nod off after lunch, snoring loudly.
“Please keep me in the loop,” I once asked Elvira regarding how Lucia was faring.
“Oh, I thought you knew,” Elvira said. “I am the loop.”
So let’s take a moment here to pity the woebegone grandpa. I really should know better by now, after seven years in this job, if only because I often felt exactly the same as a father. It was my wife in whom our son and daughter confided, she they trusted for advice and reassurance, she who shepherded both through crises large and small, and seldom me.
But hey, I suppose that’s just biology dictating destiny. Dare to buck it at your peril and you’ll quickly run out of runway. Call it an existential imperative, or a cosmic prank played against men of a certain age, or some such.
Redefining Grandfathers
Still, as a grandfather I occasionally manage to avoid being altogether useless. Talk about miracles! Any time Lucia wants to kick around a soccer ball, she can always count on me to buddy up with her. If she needs to define a word or practice her left jab or just generally act silly, I’m always ready to report for duty. It’s in my nature to nurture, too.
Better yet, cultural reforms on the grandpa landscape may now be afoot, and prejudices swiftly eroding. I see signs that a new grandpa is emerging, or newish anyway, and that just as fatherhood has evolved, growing more participatory, so has grandfatherhood.
In the process, grandpas are gradually redefining themselves, recent research shows. We’re shifting toward playing a more active role in family dynamics.
As grandfathers live longer and stay healthy longer, we’re better equipped and more inclined to be hands-on with childcare responsibilities. Blogs and podcasts touting the older dude as coming in handy after all, have started popping up all around.
That Grandpa is finally getting his due is all well and good. Even so, I’ve come to recognize reality. I’ve at last accepted taking a backseat to Grandma. So the next time Lucia scampers toward both of us, my wife will once again deserve to get dibs on a warm embrace. But just in case I turn out to be essential to this equation, too, I’ll be right there behind her.
This article appeared previously on the website www.nextavenue.org.