The Toilet Paper Spy Caper

By Marilyn L. Pinsky

Not that I’m paranoid about AI spying on me, but two days after I finished drafting this column, Amazon canceled my order for toilet paper! They didn’t give any reason but just showed it as a return and a credit. Who returns toilet paper? In the section where they ask if the product being returned has ever been used…I wouldn’t even have known what to say.

You have to read the article to know why I feel paranoid. As you’ll see, I didn’t say anything negative about the product and the only thing was maybe advocating using a bit less of it. But come on … so here’s the article and a picture of the return receipt.

If being green means not destroying the environment, I think I was accidentally green before it was a thing.

I am a member of the generation whose parents lived through The Depression. We are a waste not, want not group.

Even though I haven’t lived with a septic tank system for many years, I still count out how many pieces of toilet paper I use at a time. With a septic tank, the worry was always that too much paper would cause the system to clog and backup and that the more cushiony paper didn’t disintegrate as well as the cheaper versions and would also cause problems. I have finally given myself permission to use softer paper, though still counting the sheets out of concern that I’m clogging up the system somewhere down the line.

And that’s not even taking into consideration worrying about all the toilet paper I buy in bulk that I’m leaving behind when I die. My father used to joke that “at my age I don’t buy green bananas.” The joke doesn’t work as well with toilet paper but maybe a positive way of looking at buying in bulk is that it affirms you think life will go on. At least until the supply runs out.

Incidentally, I just read that there has been a major discovery made in the toilet paper industry, which is instead of making the product out of trees, they will now use the fiber of a plant called hesperaloe. It seems there’s a lot of fiber involved in this body function generally, so I’m sure this new discovery will be a success. By the time this article comes out though, the new toilet paper discovery will probably be at the tip of everyone’s tongue… well, maybe not the tongue.

But less you think I’m only obsessed with conserving toilet paper, I also have complicated relationships with tissues and paper towels.

What if there is just a slight smear of lipstick on the tissue? It’s still good for a sneeze or two. Or the paper towel that was only used for wiping up two drips of coffee?

In my mind it would be a waste to throw away as it could still be used to clean a greasy pan prior to washing. Or wiping up water that dripped on the floor. And I could go on.

However, there is one habit I would like to overcome though it might involve an exorcism as it is so ingrained in me.

I cannot leave a room without turning off the lights.

My children keep telling me that the newer light bulbs are not meant to be turned off every time you leave a room and I’m only reducing the life of the bulb by doing that. But I cannot help sneaking back in and turning them off … even if it’s not my house. (Maybe that’s why I don’t get invited back that much.)

ALERT!! I just Googled the question and cannot believe what it said!

“With modern LED bulbs, conserving energy when you are constantly moving in and out of a room is refreshingly simple and you can safely disregard old habits and myths from past lighting eras.

1. The Short Answer: Always Turn Them Off

Unlike old fluorescent (CFL) bulbs — which required a surge of energy to start up and suffered shortened lifespans from frequent toggling — LEDs do not use extra power when switched on. The tiny electrical surge that happens for a fraction of a second when you flip a switch is negligible.

No Minimum Time Window: You do not need to wait 10 or 15 minutes before turning off an LED. If you are walking out of a room for even a minute, turning the light off saves energy immediately.

Woo hoo!!! My family won’t believe this; could I possibly be right about something from the “olden days?”

So back to the beginning and my paranoia. Was there anything in this article that Amazon or Charmin would have found so objectionable that they’d cancel my order? And how did they even know what I was writing?

Now I’m worried that my iPad is talking to my washing machine and to the television, all of whom have artificial intelligence (AI) features and I have a feeling they’re not saying nice things about me.