To Hug or Not to Hug

By Marilyn L. Pinsky

There are people who when you see them heading toward you, make you look around for the nearest exit. They throw their arms around you and hold on for dear life. Their life…. not yours.

A few days after I wrote this sentence, it suddenly hit me. I am generally a hugger of people I feel close to or that look like they need a hug. Earlier that day I had run into a friend who I sensed needed a hug, so I just threw my arms around her and hugged. When I got home and reread what I had written above, I said “oh shoot. Could I be the one that people headed for the nearest exit when they saw me coming?”

I thought I’d better take a deeper dive into hugging to decide if my emotional radar was not properly attuned and perhaps it was me who really needed the hug and I was just projecting my emotions onto my friend.

Hugging and kissing are both emotional and cultural and there are entirely different types of both everywhere.

In the United States we are more into hugging friends and family than they are in Europe, Latin America and the Middle East, where friends greet each other by kissing on both cheeks.

In some countries it is just a light “air kiss” and in others, a “1-3 sided cheek peck-type” kiss. In some countries, same genders kiss and it is not considered polite to kiss a person of the opposite gender in greeting.

Though those different types of greeting are not American customs, often people who have grown up or lived in other countries have brought those greetings back with them and it really is charming. What I’ve also noticed more lately, is men in this country hugging each other and there is a certain style to those hugs. Often it is a quick hug following a handshake that also comes with a pat on the back. Of course there is also the “lifting up in the air hug” following a touchdown, but how often in the course of everyday life do you run into people who have just made a touchdown?

Then there is the traditional US greeting of handshaking that has undergone a major transition since COVID-19; even now that we are supposedly post-COVID-19, there is a hesitancy to shake hands. During that time some of us adopted other culture’s traditions — the Asian style greeting of slight bowing, which also shows respect. And while the fist bump option is really cool, the elbow bump just seems awkward.

Often a relationship calls for more than a handshake, less than a kiss, but an in-between type acknowledgment. That usually ends up being some type of a hug, usually a sideways, skimming the cheek, type hug. It is done with thought to not messing up either party’s makeup or clothing. The length and strength of this is relationship dependent.

Next are circumstantial hugs. Either happy or sad occasions and again, warranting something more than a handshake. And the length of those hugs can vary but should be based on the sensitivity of the “huggee.” Not everyone likes to be hugged. If you see someone stepping backward as you approach, I’d pass on the hug and just flap your arms as if you were one of the Wright brothers stepping off the cliff in Kitty Hawk.

Who qualifies for a hug? If you see your doctor of many years outside the office setting, such as the produce aisle at the grocery store, does the relationship require acknowledgement at the hug level? In this situation a handshake could cause concern that one or the other of you has been near someone who was sick and could transmit germs but a hug seems a little too intimate for the relationship, especially in the produce section. This could be just a wave and smile occasion.

The lesson for us huggers is to learn to read the reaction of the person we are planning to hug. If their arms open in response, it’s all systems go. If not, practice your flapping technique.